Dear Eric: Should I tell a coworker that many of her workmates are criticizing her as selfish and self-centered? She got married a year ago but didn’t go on a honeymoon then because the couple, who are both in their 40s, had just returned from two weeks in Europe.
Now they’ve decided they want a “dream honeymoon” at a luxury resort. To pay for it they’ve created an account on a crowd-funding honeymoon website and are letting everyone know they’d like it if we’d all chip in. The items she wants include airfare, a rental car, side trips, resort fees and cash starting at $75.
I gave her a nice wedding gift a year ago, as did many of our coworkers. We’re modestly paid teachers and a trip to South America is well beyond our budgets.
She’s let it be known that she’s disappointed that we’re “stingy” and thus she’s nowhere near her goal.
Behind her back, people are criticizing her as being clueless and bad-mannered, both for asking us to pay for her delayed honeymoon and then criticizing us for not being more generous.
I don’t want to say anything to her (or give her money). But I fear that if I don’t tell her no one will, and she’ll have no idea why she’s at risk of losing friends.
Would it be a kindness to say something? And if so, what should I say? Or should I take the easy route and keep quiet?
–Fellow Teacher
Dear Teacher: My goodness, was there a sale at the audacity store? I wonder where some people get it. It’s perfectly fine to make it easy for people to give gifts and show their love, but it’s inappropriate, and rude, to criticize people for not ponying up the dough, especially when a gift has already been given. Wedding fundraising pages are not invoices that require payment under threat of credit ruination.
Sheesh.
While it would be kind to tell her that others are chafing at her request, I can’t help but wonder how useful it would be, considering that neither insight nor common sense were listed on her registry. Instead of taking on the burden of communicating the group’s negative feelings, consider just talking to her about how you’re feeling. If you decide that this is a relationship you want to salvage, tell her that you’re happy for her, but it rubs you the wrong way to be called stingy for not giving her a second gift. As a friend, hopefully she can listen and adjust her attitude.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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